Liveblogging American Idol

Tonight is ’80s night, and the girls perform. I’ll just type in my thoughts as I watch. You may not feel like you’re there, but at least you’ll feel like you’re here, inside my head. That alone should scare you. I know it scares the hell out of me.

Asia’h Epperson sang “I Want To Dance With Somebody”:

She’s a really cute girl, and I like the unusual way her first name is spelled …. but where in the world did she get that horrible outfit? The pants look like they don’t even fit her, and they’re quite obviously some kind of cheap stretch polyester. Those are some of the ugliest pants I have ever seen, bar none, which means she probably paid an obscene amount of money for them.

Oh wait, I was supposed to be listening to her sing. My bad.

This is an easy one though. Whitney Houston, she ain’t. Whitney wouldn’t be caught dead in an outfit that ugly, even when she was all cracked out with Bobby Brown.

Kady Malloy sang some song I have never even heard before.

She’s a really good singer, though, and definitely cute as a button. She could get away with some revealing outfit, and probably get more votes that way, but she doesn’t. I like her modesty.

Did Randy Jackson say that was a song by “Queen”? Wow. If that was a Queen song, she definitely screwed it up. Surely I misheard that.

Simon said something about her “massive lack of personality”, and he compared her to “The Stepford Wives”. I have to admit, he might have a point, especially if that was a song by Queen.

Amanda Overmyer sang “Hate Myself For Loving You”

This girl is scary. And I don’t mean scary in a good way either. She looks like a biker chick, which she is. And she’s a nurse, but she looks like the kind of nurse who’d steal her patients’ Oxycontin and replace them with placebos. That’s not because I think she’s an addict. It’s because I think scary chick would get off on watching people suffer.

What in the world is up with her hair, which looks like it came out of a cheesy B horror film? She also always sounds exactly the same, no matter what she’s singing.

All in all, she sucks, so there’s a reason why she’s the #1 pick on “Vote For The Worst”, and I suspect VFTW is the only reason she is still here this week after she murdered “Carry On My Wayward Son” last week. I wish they’d make her go away, though.

Carly Smithson sang “I Drove All Night”

What the hell is up with all the tattoos? Her entire right arm is covered with them. Very strange for a female, to say the least. Freaky, even.

I don’t like her. That’s mostly because I know she’s a plant, and I don’t mean a rhododendron, either. As I previously stated, she had a recording contract with MCA, back when judge Randy Jackson was in a position of power there. MCA sank millions into her, and she sold something like 400 CDs. No, I’m not making that up.

She takes all the fun out of American Idol, since it’s supposed to be about discovering a great undiscovered talent, so I don’t care how well she can sing. Make her go away.

Kristy Lee Cook sang a Journey song, “Faithfully”

She can sing, I guess, but she did a terrible job on this otherwise great rock ballad. The biggest thing she’s got going for her is that she’s cute, and that Randy Jackson used to be the bassist for Journey.

Simon says she’s “forgettable”. That’s the understatement of the year. She’s much taller than she looks, by the way. Oh wait, I forgot. Ryan Seacrest is a munchkin. I take that back.

Ramiele Mulubay sang “Against All Odds”

She was singing it in some weird choppy voice, way, way, way over-enunciating the words, at least until she got to the chorus. Then, she did a much better job, but it just wasn’t good. On the bright side, she’s cute and petite, so it’s surprising that she has so a big voice.

Too bad Phil Collins isn’t dead, because at least then I could sound semi-clever by saying that he’s rolling over in his grave. Oh, well. Maybe next time.

During intermission, Paula Abdul must be drunk again, because she’s almost sitting in Simon Cowell’s lap. Creepy from both viewpoints. Now, back to the show

Brooke White sang “Love Is A Battlefield”

What the hell is that gigantic piece of plastic on her right middle finger? Is that supposed to be a ring? If so, it must have come out of the world’s biggest box of Cracker Jacks.

She did something akin to an unplugged version of the song, accompanied by only an acoustic guitar. I like unplugged, as long as the singer really knows what they’re doing. For example, Alice In Chains (with Layne Staley) unplugged is good, Papa Roach unplugged is bad. You get the idea. Or not.

Anyway, I kind of like this version. She doesn’t have Pat Benatar’s big voice, but she had a lot of emotion in it. I’d listen to it again. The biggest negative for this girl is that she’s not as attractive as the other girls. She’s conventionally very pretty, but she makes some strange faces which make her look sometimes unattractive when she sings.

She looks and acts like a folk singer. The world can always use a good female folk singer.

Syesha Mercado sang “Saving All My Love For You”

She’s hot, and I’m not even into women. She has some sort of smoky sultriness. She also has great legs. I’d like to have her legs. Not in some weirdo, “I could kidnap her and cut her legs off and attach them to my own body” kind of way, but still. I wish I could do that.

This girl can sing. She has a big, big voice, a Whitney Houston big voice. I’m not sure if I think she chose the right lyrics to sing (they can only sing short excerpts of songs) but I still liked it. Even the judges didn’t have much to say, they all just agreed it was good.

The part where Seacrest interviews the singer at the end and reminds viewers which number to call was cut extremely short, so she may not get as many votes as she should.

That’s it, folks. Maybe we’ll do it again sometime, if I get bored enough.