Liveblogging American Idol.

It’s Beatles night. Again.

I guess that explains why Randy Jackson was yawning when Ryan went to introduce him. That’s never a good sign. Then he plugged Paula’s new song by working it into a comment. How corny.

As usual, I’ll just type what I’m thinking. I do not go back and edit what I wrote (though I do add photos) so I make no guarantee whatsoever that you won’t be offended. You have thus been warned.

Amanda “Vampira” Overmyer is up first, singing “Back in the USSR”. She sucks so much that I can hear her slurping. I can hear a Janis Joplin impression any Saturday Night in any drunken karaoke bar, and usually a better one than this. Why would they put somebody who is basically an impersonator through to the finals anyway? Randy thought it was pitchy at first. Paula thought her timing was off. Simon called it predictable and a mess at parts. He says she does the same thing week afterweek, so she’s getting boring. I agree. Then again, I was bored from the first minute I heard her.

Kristy Lee Cook did “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away”, says today was the first time she heard it. It sounded like it too. Still, it’s better than what she did last week, when she killed John Lennon all over again when she murdered “Eight Days A Week” by turning it into some weird country song. Nevertheless, I’d like for her to hide her song away. Randy didn’t like the arrangement, Paula thought it was safe, but liked her dress. Simon thinks she needs “hypnosis”, and says she “isn’t a good performer”. He admitted she was better this week, but it would be almost impossible to be worse.

They did a replay of David Archuletta’s giant fuckup, when he forgot the words last week. He’s going to sing “The Long And Winding Road”, and is hoping he won’t forget the words. He was off from literally the very first note, which is not a good sign. This is a horribly boring rendition, it’s way too slow. Yeah, I know the original is slow, this is so slow that it’s painful. He doesn’t seem to be in sync with the music. He hit some nice long notes, but that’s the best I can say about it. The crowd is going wild, though. Perhaps they’re just glad he didn’t fuck it up again. Randy liked it. Paula thought it was “exciting” and “wonderful”. Simon said last week was a complete wreck, this week he was amazing. They must be hearing something there that I can’t hear here.

Ryan did an i-Phone promotion. He pretended like he got it from someone in the audience. That’s not cheesy at all.

Michael Johns is up now. He’s going to sing “A Day In The Life”, which he calls Lennon/McCartney’s “masterpiece”. It starts out well, but I don’t know what that one note was supposed to be. I’m pretty sure it’s a sound which normally doesn’t come from humans. The speaking part wasn’t good at all. However, he hit the notes on the “Aaaah” part. Did he just mess up the words? I’m pretty sure he did, he sang “having read the book” twice. Randy says it’s not the right song, it wasn’t good. Paula said it’s not as good as the dress rehearsal, she blamed it on the earpiece. Simon said it was a mess, he didn’t hit the right notes, it was all over the place, not good enough. Then it turned out that he wasn’t wearing an earpiece, he just sucked. Oops. LOL

There was a commercial with the blonde girl from “Scrubs”, she is in a store, bends over then falls down, looks over and sees panties which are “wedgie free”. Do woman really have that problem, enough that they need to advertise that their underwear won’t give them a wedgie? I never have that problem. Perhaps she needs to buy better underwear. That would be my guess, anyway.

Damn, they just said it’s a two-hour show tonight. Dammit. I was planning to do something between Idol and The Office reruns at 10.

Brooke White is on next. She’s going to be singing “Here comes The Sun”, she says it has “perfect melody”. She’s wearing all yellow. I’m not sure if she’s supposed to be the sun, or a skinny banana. Wow, she’s got some seriously skinny legs. The song suits her personality, I think, since she’s kind of a hippy, but it really wasn’t very good. I’ve heard much better in karaoke bars. Hell, I’ve heard better in my own house. It almost sounds like she’s turned it into a country song, which was not good. It’s a hippy song, not a redneck song. She has pretty hair, it’s very long. I wonder if it’s real, or if she has extensions? Randy thought it was “awkward”, and that she was never connected to the song. Paula thinks she played it safe. Simon said he knew she’d be dressed in yellow when he heard she’d sing this song, the performance was terrible, horrible dancing, lack of conviction, it was forgettable. She’s nice, though. Very sweet girl, and cute as a button. She took the criticism well and when the audience started to boo Simon, she interrupted and told them the judges had been really nice to her so far so it was okay. That was cool, even if the performance wasn’t good.

Goofy commercial with chocolate bunny and jar of peanut butter, “Let’s Get It On” playing in background, then Reese’s Easter Egg. I love that candy. Reese Cups and M&Ms. Yum.

The “Rock Star” video game commercial is on, with Slash. I like that commercial. Believe it or not, and I’m not exaggerating, Elf can play guitar like that, and on real guitars, not just on a video game controller shaped like a guitar, LOL. No, he didn’t get that talent from me,hehehe.

David Cook is doing “Daytripper”, playing electric guitar. Okay, now he’s not playing it. Now he’s playing it again. I’m beginning to think it’s just a prop. He did a pretty good job, I thought. Now he’s doing the voicebox thing like Peter Frampton. You don’t see that every day, or at least not since the 1970s, LOL. He’d be great fronting a band, but I’m not sure about him as a solo artist. At least he doesn’t suck as much as some of the other ones. He just learned to use the voicebox yesterday. Simon thought the coda in the middle was “just stupid”, and that he looked smug but wasn’t as good as he thought he was. Simon says it’s predictable, he didn’t like it. I thought he looked smug too, now that I think about it.

Paula is doing the world’s worst British accent, saying some kind of crap about Simon.

Carly “Ringer” Smithson is singing “Blackbird”. I like this song, Elf plays on the guitar a lot. She has on way, way, WAY too much mascara. maybe so people won’t notice that her entire arm is covered in tattoos. That’s so incredibly tacky, especially for a woman. She’s not getting into the song like she should. Definite disconnect. This should be a simple song, and she made it entirely too complicated. Elf’s version kicks her version’s ass, and he’s just sitting at the house goofing around with it. I hear really loud slurping sounds on this one, she sucks so much. Randy liked it, but he was at the record company which dumped $2 million on her and then she only sold 400 records. Of course he’s going to say that. He made up a new word “cooliosis”. Paula loved her, but she loves everybody. Simon didn’t think the song choice was smart, the song was indulgent, he didn’t like it at all. Carly is whining some crap about having a broken wing, I guess since she’s the ringer she thinks she should be exempt from criticism.

A really dumb AT&T commercial about a guy in a bar who can’t get your cell calls there, so he’s not returning your call about Motorhead tickets. Yawn.

Jason Castro is going to sing “Michelle”. One of his dreads is sticking out weird while he’s doing the cheesy pre-song recorded interview. Cut away, cut back and it’s fixed, LOL. No guitar. Boring song, not a good choice. I like this kid, I think because he reminds me of Elf and his buddies for some reason. I still don’t like this song choice, though he’s a good singer. He could have done so much more with it. This kid really connects with the audience, the girls love him. The song ended on a boring note though, and I guess I just didn’t get it. Randy liked the song choice, thought it was too subdued and not connected with the song. Paula said he gets disconnected away from his guitar, and she said it was “awkward”. Simon said it’s a really weird show tonight and they shouldn’t have done Beatles again. Simon said his face sold it, so he’s lucky he’s on TV and not radio. Simon said Jason’s “charming” and that his “goofiness” made it work. Simon also said if he heard it on the radio, he’d turn it off.

Syesha Mercado is going to sing “Yesterday”. Gawd, I sucks from the first note. It sounds like a high school talent contest. The slurping sound is almost overwhelming. Why do these people want to change the original songs into something that sounds like Muzak. She’s not staying with the music. She did do a cool part in the middle. I bet if Yoko Ono saw her, she’d knock the hell out of her for disrespecting her dead husband. Yoko’s tough like that, even though she’s now kind of ancient. Randy called it “very very very good”. Paula talks about her being vulnerable. Yawn. Paula said she needs to work on connecting with the audience with her eyes. Simon thought it was her best performance so far, which isn’t saying much. Then he said it wasn’t great, so I guess he agrees with me after all, LOL. She chose the best song, Simon liked the arrangement.

Chikezie is going to play an instrument but doesn’t know how to play it? Huh? He’s singing “I’ve Just Seen A Face”. When he can choose from the Beatles catalogue, why would he choose such an obscure song? He’s turning it into a country song, very weird. He’s playing harmonica, even weirder. What the hell is this supposed to be? Gawd, this sucks so much that I think I’m going to call him “Slurpee” from now on. That was a complete mess, worst performance of the night by far. Maybe the worst performance of the year. It might even be the worst performance in the history of the world. Randy said there were good parts and bad parts, he didn’t like the slow part, said harmonica was strange, song was strange. Paula said he’s showing who he is, which she says to everybody at one time or another. Yawn. Simon thought it started off okay, but the harmonica was “literally atrocious”, then he turned it into “Achy Breaky Heart”. He said Paula’s full of crap.

Ramiele Malubay is singing “I Should Have Known Better”. I should have known better than to think her performance might be good. Boring. Boring. It’s hard to even watch this tripe. I know she’s young, and I know she can sing, but this is just horrible. I’ve seen better in high school talent contests. Randy wasn’t jumping up and down, but he liked it, it was alright. Paula said it’s definitely better than last week. Simon said it sounded like Chikezie was on harmonica. He likes her, her personality, but the track sounded terrible and amateurish, and she chose a mediocre song, “it is what it is”.

That was painful, and boring. And I wish it had been only one hour, because now I wasted an extra hour on an episode which was terrible. Argh.