Liveblogging American Idol

Tonight is the first night for the Top Ten. For those of you who don’t normally follow this crap competition, the Top Ten go on tour together during the summer, so they all make some major moolah simply for having gotten this far.

To refresh your memory, last week Amanda “Vampira” Overmyer was eliminated. Good call, America. She’s just strange. I saw her on some daytime television show, and she sucked so much that you could hear the slurping sounds. She couldn’t even follow the beat, she was so bad. Definitely bad karaoke material. She should never have gotten as far as she did, but I guess a Janis Joplin impression will get you further than you’d otherwise think.

Tonight, each of the contestants have to sing a song from the year they were born.

First up, Ramiele Malubay. She’s the really small girl with the big voice, to remind you. She was born in 1984, and is singing “Alone” by Heart. She’s wearing some kind of weird looking shorts, and a blouse off one shoulder. There’s a strap, but it looks like a bra strap. I have no idea who thought that was a good fashion statement. She is over-enunciating, and I’m not sure she’s hitting the right notes. Anne Wilson, she’s not. Randy says the song was too big for her, and it was pitchy. He also said she’s under the weather tonight. Paula said she barely has a voice right now, and she says it was brave because she’s sick. Brave?  That’s a strange choice of word.  Simon didn’t think it was as bad as Randy said, the first part was okay, it got shrieky and shouty in the middle, but he thinks she’ll get through again this week. Then Simon and Randy just argued back and forth about who was right. Boring. Why the hell is Paula Abdul wearing black gloves with jewelry on top of them? It doesn’t match the sparkly dress she’s wearing, that’s for sure. Perhaps this is “horrendously bad fashion” week, and they forgot to tell us.

They’re having a songwriting contest. The details are on americanidol.com

Jason Castro was born in 1987. Elf was born in ‘87 also, but I’d bet real money that Elf can play the guitar better, though I will concede that Jason can sing better. Jason is playing guitar again this week, but it’s very simple chords. I’m not even sure what this song is, but I was probably too busy being miserable with pregnancy when it was popular. Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem like I missed much. He phoned in the guitar portion of that song. But he sure does have pretty blue eyes. My significant other has prettier blue eyes, but still. He’s wearing pants which are too tight. Randy liked it, says it’s one of his favorite songs. Paula said there was no “wow” because it was safe, but that he’s staying true to himself. I’m getting tired of hearing her say that. Simon says he needs to take it more seriously, and that it was the equivalent of something you’d see outside a subway station. Simon says he could be a winner, but not if he keeps doing the same kind of thing week after week when he knows he can do much better. Simon says he needs to take it more seriously, and that his guitar playing was sloppy. Apparently the song was “Fragile” by Sting, incidentally.

Syesha Mercado was also born in 1987. She did some kind of weird thing where she made the annoying sound a baby makes when they cry. She’s singing “If I Were Your Woman”, I saw online that it was by Stephanie Mills (who I have never heard of in my life). I’m not sure if I’ve heard this one before either. Was there no good music in 1987? Surely there was, so why are they picking this crap? She has a pretty voice though. She’s wearing pants and ugly platform shoes. Not attractive. She can really sing though, she’s belting it out. I’m impressed even though I have no idea what the song originally sounded like. She has a very pretty smile. Randy said this was the best he ever heard her sing, including her audition. He called it “stellar” and “unbelievable”. Paula said this is the moment everyone will remember, when she became the dark horse who might go on to win. Simon said it was the best so far, but we’re only three in. Simon says the end was not as good as Randy says, and that the song stretched the limit on her vocals.

Chikezie is up next. He’s wearing a pinstripe suit jacket with some kind of weird rhinestone cowboy look on the arms on the forearms and at the bottom of the jacket. Weird. He was born in 1985. His mother was singing for a second. He definitely didn’t get his voice from her, because that woman couldn’t carry a tune in a spit bucket. He’s singing “If Only For One Night”. Yet another song I’ve never even heard of before…..WTF? It seems like a pretty nice song, I guess, and he sings it well enough (though bear in mind that I have never heard this song before). Wait, was that a Luther Vandross song? In that case, he sucked in comparison, and I don’t have to even listen to the original to know that. That jacket is distracting. his shirt isn’t tucked in, he looks very sloppy. One of the backup singers has, um, lungs as big as Dog the Bounty Hunter’s wife. Chikezie’s family is there. Randy said it went back to an old school sound, he didn’t love it, it didn’t have the Chikezie vibe. He thought it was boring. Paula says it’s a good throwback. Simon says he sang it well, but the performance was very cheesy. Chikezie says he was singing it for the audience, and Simon called bullshit and said he was singing it for himself. Simon said the only originality was Chikezie copying the original.

Brooke Adams was born in 1983. Her mom is very pretty. She’s singing “Every Breath You Take”by The Police. She actually restarted the song when the first two words didn’t come out quite right. She’s playing piano. So far it sounds pretty boring. Then again, the original was boring too, so it’s just not a good song choice. She’s at the chorus now, it sounds better. She should have chosen a song which requires singing. That particular song is more like talking to a beat. Randy didn’t love it, Paula liked it better than last week, then she just blah blah blah the same crap she says to everybody when she can’t say anything particularly nice. Simon said she shouldn’t have brought the band in, she should have stuck to her piano. Simon says it’s good enough to bring her back next week. She sure is pretty. She’s wearing her hair straight this week, so she looks quite different. She should wear it straightened more often, she looks less like an airhead. She actually looks like a different person with her hair straight. Interesting.

Michael Johns was born in 1978. He is singing “We Will Rock You” by Queen, combined with “We Are The Champions”. They used to play those songs when Elf was playing Pop Warner football. I guess it got the kids all pumped up to play. I don’t dislike the songs, but there are a lot of much better songs from that year which would have been a better choice in my opinion. Still, he didn’t do a bad job, he has a pretty cool voice. He’s not bad looking either, but to be honest, he’s more than a little on the forgettable side. I’m not sure if those songs are enough to keep him in the competition. He could have done much better with something else, so this may actually be his last week on the show. If the fans don’t get excited, they won’t call in for him. Randy says he finally believed in himself, and says it was his best performance since he started on the show. Paula said she’s proud of him. Simon says this is the first time he has seen star potential from him. Simon says tonight he just got it right.

Ryan Seacrest is a complete munchkin. When he stands next to the contestants, even the girls, he looks like a teeny tiny person.

Carly Smithson’s mother is better looking than she is. Carly used to have super curly hair. She was born in 1983, and is singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler. Her eyelashes are obviously fake. She makes weird faces when she sings. She’s wearing a short skirt with boots, and she’s dressed all in black. She also bounces when she sings, it’s kind of weird. Overall the singing part of the performance wasn’t that bad, it just was nowhere near as good as the original because, as usual, she is lacking the emotion. That’s a problem with Carly, she can belt out the lyrics but she is always, always lacking the emotion. Of course, that may explain why she only sold 400 CDs after a record company spent millions on her. Randy didn’t love it, it wasn’t the right song. Paula disagreed with Randy. Paula thinks she could take all the songs Paula doesn’t like, and make her like them. Randy said the run at the end was not in tune. Simon said “something didn’t quite work” and he thinks it was because she was too tense. He suggested that she lighten up.

David Archuletta is up next. Ryan is asking him about his prom date. Who cares? I sure don’t. I missed which year he was born but the website says he’s 17 so I’m guessing 1990. He’s singing some song I have never even heard of before. There’s something about this kid that I just don’t like. I know, I know, I’m going to catch some major flak for that. He’s just weird, I can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s because he strikes me as kind of cocky but tries to pretend to be humble, and I hate cocky teenagers worse than just about anything else on earth. Randy said it was a strange song choice, he doesn’t know the song either. Paula said he should have picked an American composer, but said he could sing the phone book and she’d love it. Simon said he didn’t like the performance at all, it was reminiscent of a theme park performance. He said it’s a ghastly song you’d sing when you have animated creatures with you and everybody sings along. Well, at least I’m not the only one who didn’t know what the song was, and didn’t like the performance. I still don’t know what that song was, I guess I’ll have to look it up. Argh. When are these contestants going to figure out that they need to sing songs people have actually heard before? Now I have to go look it up. That pisses me off. I’m back, and it looks like the song is called “You Are The Voice”.

Kristy Lee Cook is next, she was born in 1984. She’s singing “God Bless The USA” by Lee Greenwood. I can tell you already that she’s going for the sympathy vote with this one. This is a really safe song for her. Her performance is kind of boring. Okay, it’s not kind of boring, it actually is boring. She can sing very well, but I hate it when people try to get sympathy vote by singing a patriotic song about the troops. Randy liked it, even though it was pitchy in places, Paula agreed. Actually, Randy and Paula didn’t say much, so I’m guessing they weren’t impressed but were afraid to say so because of the song choice. Simon said it was her best performance by a mile. He said it was the most clever song choice he’s heard in years. In other words, he also realizes that she is manipulating people with it. I hate it when people try to manipulate me by playing on my emotions. I’m half tempted to vote for everybody but her, but I don’t actually vote for this stuff. However, I will say this about her. She looks like the All-American girl, and as such is the best-looking female in the competition, hands down.

David Cook was born in 1982. I just now noticed that there are two contestants with the same last name, LOL. He’s singing Michael Jackson’s “Billie Jean”. It is absolutely nothing like the original. He turned into a ballad. It’s so different that I’m not sure if I like it or not, but I think I do. The boy can really sing, that’s for sure. The song was fine, until he got to the chorus, then it didn’t work very well. However, his voice still carries it, so I have to say it’s very good now that I’m getting over the shock of it. It’s definitely gutsy, I’ll give him credit for that. Randy said he’s the most original and most bold contestant ever. Randy said he could win, called him “molten hot”. Paula says he’s smart and brave, and that she likes that he stretches the boundaries, says he’s “brilliant”. Simon said it was brave, it could be either insane or amazing, and it was amazing. Now that I’m playing it back through my head, I really, really liked it. His biggest problem is not talent, because he has that. It’s that he’s very plain looking, and it’s mostly girls voting.

That’s it now, folks. To paraphrase the munchkin, “Elf’s Mom, Out!”